The following post may explain why I haven’t made one since July.
Will this new awareness allow me to step into my fears going forward?
I honestly don’t know, but I hope so!
Early one morning an internal dialogue began.
Do you want to hold me? Yes, of course.
Thank you, Steve, that’s really all I need.
Steve, do you know how to hold me?
Yes, I think so… maybe, I don’t guess I know.
Steve, this is how you hold me… and what I saw was my hands opening up.
I was dumbfounded. I don’t think my mouth was open but it felt like it was.
God, this doesn’t make any sense.
I know, will you join me here, beyond your understanding?
Will you be with me, in this place… that makes no sense, and just hold me?
Yes God… BUT… Oh how quickly my yesses are followed by butts!
But God, this seems like NOT holding you. This seems like letting you go.
Yes, and yet it’s the ONLY way…
Steve, you hold me, when you stop holding everything else.
But I should hold you, right?
You don’t have the strength to hold anything, including me.
Then God, I’m confused… Yes, it is AMAZING, isn’t it!
In that moment, my mind could find nothing to say. And once again, I don’t know if my mouth was open, but I felt strangely empty, while at the same time, full of peace.
God, I don’t understand…
Thank you, this is wonderful!
God’s responses are short circuiting my brain’s ability to think.
I sat in silence and awe for a moment and then said,
“God, how does this work?”
Steve, please don’t go, please stay with me here. I need you.
I’m NOT leaving… God… I’m NOT going anywhere.
Yes, you are, even now you’re searching for understanding. You’re distracted, your eyes are moving away from me and you’re trying to figure this out.
Please come back. Fall into my arms. Let go and just hold me.
Join me, beyond understanding and drown in my love.
That’s where the conversation ended, at least at first. But I couldn’t stop trying to figure it out. And then, I felt I heard this.
Steve, can you leave this alone? What do you mean?
Can you leave this conversation here and NOT understand it?
I want to God… I really do… but I can’t.
Thank you Steve, I enjoy you so much.
Wait, what, I don’t understand.
I know, isn’t it wonderful!
But God, I want to understand.
I know Steve, it’s okay, I love you and I’ll never leave you.
Later, I heard these words,
Steve, this is why you don’t share our conversations. What?
This is why you resist and won’t let everyone read what you write.
God, I don’t get it.
Steve, do you want to share our conversation, the one we just had?
Yes, I definitely do, but I’m not sure where to start. I mean, first there needs to be some explanation or back ground. Maybe I could condense parts of what I’ve been writing the past 3 or 4 weeks… just so it all makes sense.
Steve, do you realize you do this every time? You can’t figure out where to start, where to finish or how to organize. So, you don’t share.
Steve, what if we just let this conversation go… as it is?
Oh God, that scares me.
What if people don’t understand? What if I offend someone? What if they say negative things or ask questions I can’t answer? What if I’m wrong? What if I misunderstand what you’re saying or I don’t say it right?
ALL THESE THINGS WILL HAPPEN…
(Okay, I don’t think I hear the good news in this)
ALL THESE THINGS WILL HAPPEN…
AND THOSE WHO ARE READY… WILL HEAR.
THOSE WHO ARE SEEING THEY ARE EMPTY, NAKED, BROKEN AND WEAK…
THEY WILL SEE ME, THEY WILL BE DRAWN TO ME AND THEY WILL EMBRACE ME.
So… am I ready to open my hands and hold God?
Am I ready to let this conversation go?
I don’t know. I want to… and then again, I don’t want to.
If searching for understanding and trying to figure stuff out is being distracted and moving away from God… then I need HELP…
Oh God… Have mercy on me!
Disclaimer: From my perspective, I’m having an internal conversation with God. The name I’m comfortable calling him, God, doesn’t matter. If I call her name, Universe, or their name, Trinity, it woud change nothing.
The one inviting me beyond my understanding places NO value on my ability to name that which is limitless. Any attempt to exclusively name or own… is just me clinching my hands together… trying to hold or control that which is both within me and beyond me.